I thought I had written this already, but it’s not on my blog, so clearly I didn’t. More faux fan-fiction for you!!!

The scene is from “Love, Love, Love” (Season 5, episode 1). Kurt and Blaine are having a wildly overdone picnic in the courtyard. I mean, sure, they’re gay, but how much free time does Blaine HAVE for preparing picnics?

It’s totally frustrating as written because they don’t actually deal with anything. So here’s my version:

Blaine: Are you excited to go back to school?

Kurt: Yeah, and Fashion Week is coming up soon.

Blaine: Okay, what’s the story with this New York guy?

Kurt: There’s no story. I mean, everything was fine until I started crying in the middle of Moulin Rouge.

Blaine: “Come What May?”

Kurt: “Come What May.”

Blaine: I haven’t even been able to watch that movie since we broke up.

Kurt: Well, it turns out guys don’t like it when you go home for a wedding, hook up with your ex, and then cry about him in the middle of a movie.

Blaine: Really?

Kurt: Don’t even start. The last time we were together and I was in New York and you were here, you cheated on me. Unacceptable!

Blaine: No, I didn’t.

Kurt: Excuse me?

Blaine: I mean, I did. Of course I did. But I wasn’t trying to get away with anything. I thought you were done with me. I thought I was out of your life. And I was trying to move on. “Cheating” isn’t the right word, somehow.

Kurt: Is that supposed to make it better?

Blaine: I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m trying to talk about what happened, Kurt. Because touching other guys isn’t the problem. I haven’t touched another guy all year, Kurt, and I haven’t wanted to, really. Well, except I had a crush on Sam for a while.

Kurt: You had a crush on Sam? I had such a crush on him when he came here. Half-convinced myself he was gay, too. Those lips!

Blaine: I know, right? But we need to talk about this, Kurt. The problem isn’t being with other guys: I want to be with you. But I gave up on us, and there are a lot of ways we can do that, and I don’t ever, ever want that to happen to us again.

Kurt: Okay.

Blaine: Didn’t you ever wonder why I showed up in New York that weekend?

Kurt: No, I just figured you were feeling guilty about what you did.

Blaine: Think about it. I thought you were ghosting me. I thought you were moving on and I should move on, too, so I hooked up with another guy. And the next day, I showed up at your apartment with flowers.

Kurt: So…why?

Blaine: Because I had this crazy idea that I wasn’t really in love with you. That the odds of me falling in real, forever love with the first guy I dated were ridiculous. That I’d been fooling myself the whole time, and if I hooked up with someone else I’d see that it was just the sex, or something. But then I did. And it was awful.

Kurt: So you want to get back together because Eli C. is bad in bed?

Blaine: No, I don’t mean that kind of awful. It was awful because it wasn’t you. Because I didn’t want to move on. Because being with you and missing you all the time was so much better than hooking up with some guy who wasn’t you. Having you furious with me because I broke your trust was better than being with some guy who wasn’t you. And I had to do whatever it took to make sure I’d be with you forever.

And for, like, a minute, I thought I could just forget it ever happened and fix things with you and you’d never have to know. Nobody would ever know. But then I saw your face, and I saw how you were setting everything up in New York for the two of us, and you weren’t moving on, not from me, and I knew I couldn’t lie to you. And that broke my heart, because I was afraid I had ruined everything, forever, and I didn’t know if I could fix it. But I knew the only way through it was to tell you the truth.

So I can promise you I’ll never cheat on you again, and I am promising that. But more importantly, I promise you I won’t give up on us. If I’m unhappy, I’ll talk to you. Even if that means making an appointment to talk to you on the phone at midnight when you get home from Vogue.com. Even if it means getting on a plane. Whatever it takes. I won’t let you down again. Just please, say we can be boyfriends again.

Kurt: Well how’m I supposed to stay mad at you after that?

Blaine: Does that mean…?

Kurt: I can’t believe we’re going to do this again.

Blaine: I was hoping you’d say that. In fact, I was sort of counting on it, so I put something together to try and convince you to stay a little while longer.

Kurt: Oh, no. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you sing anymore.

Blaine: Okay.

Kurt: Which is why I prepared something.

[Got to Get You Into My Life]

And if they’d had THAT conversation, maybe they wouldn’t have broken up in Season 6. Over towels. Towels! We’re supposed to believe they broke up over friggin’ towels.